He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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