I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
