I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Fuck me I smell like cheese
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
