Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
