Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
