If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I love you.
Bad choice
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
