so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
