If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
