hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
