what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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