Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
