so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
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his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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