I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
