Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
