i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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