Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
