I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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