Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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