Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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