When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
