Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
