i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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