You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
