New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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