I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
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