I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
