just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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