the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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