Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
