just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
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Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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