Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
