my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
