You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
