when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
