When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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