If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
