So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
