can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Someone shattered a urinal.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
