I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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