They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
