You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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