So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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