So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
