just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
it was like eating out sand paper
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
