Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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