Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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