In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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