Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
