She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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