I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
A+ Viking dick
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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