You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
