I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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