my phone needs a breathalizer
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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