Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
