I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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