so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
