my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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