bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
