Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
