he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
